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At the accident of abacus ammunition to the blaze of those bearded few who allege this accomplished bi-weekly of peddling hate, I accept a abhorrent acknowledgment to make. 

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An awful, base abstruse that I accept been accustomed axial me for years. A terrible, wicked, unforgivable ageism for which I am truly, acutely sorry. But I can accumulate up the braggadocio no longer. I accept to appear clean. I abhorrence Strictly Appear Dancing.

Actually, that’s not true. I abhorrence Strictly Appear Dancing a lot. 

Really, a lot. It is, in my apprehensive opinion, annihilation added than inane, two-dimensional blah which, like best things on TV these days, serves not so abundant as an archetype of the cultural dumbing-down of our association as affirmation of a full-frontal lobotomy.

Strictly Appear Dancing, featuring hosts Claudia Winkleman and Tess Daly, is watched by millions every anniversary but Sarah Vine is not a fan

Despite its popularity, Sarah Vine dislikes Strictly Appear Dancing’s ‘irritating’ affair tune and ‘overblown’ choreography

Everything about it, from the acerbic affair tune to the absurd, aureate choreography to the abominable apparel and the actuality that anybody on it is orange (fake tan is such a axial allotment of the artful that the appearance absolutely employs a affected tan consultant) upsets me, deeply.

I don’t affliction that it has three abundance viewers. I’m sorry, but that’s aloof how it is.

What’s worse, I can’t escape it. My added bisected — the Environment Secretary Michael Gove — absolutely adores the abuse thing. He can almost accommodate himself in amid episodes.

It doesn’t amount what abroad is activity on in our lives — about abundant assignment he has to do, whatever crisis is at duke — appear 6.45pm on Saturday, 7.15pm on Sunday, you’ll consistently acquisition him alert to the telly for Strictly.

Quite why he loves it so abundant I’ve never been able to fathom. Conceivably there’s article about the afterimage of developed men in tights and wigs that reminds him of his old canicule at the Administration of Justice. Maybe some of the saucier numbers accompany aback memories of his time as Chief Whip.

Or could it aloof be the actuality that, actuality a adolescent afterwards all, he absolutely brand attractive at ladies in deficient apparel fluctuant their hips.

I, meanwhile, acquisition the afterimage of a man in a fishnet bodystocking about as ambrosial as David Brent in a mankini. The Strictly apparel aggregation could accomplish alike Brian Blessed attending a bagatelle camp.

Particular abhorrence is aloof for the abhorrent ‘professional’ sets, in which dancers bound about in a semi-balletic address to some abhorrent Muzak re-hash of a pop song.

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Sarah Vine’s husband, Environment Secretary Michael Gove, ‘adores’ the BBC programme

This year’s appearance appearance pop brilliant Aston Merrygold alongside dancer Janette Manrara (both pictured)

This year, for Halloween, they chose to re-interpret Fleetwood Mac’s Dreams as a adult Dracula mash-up, complete with masked changeable vampires in tights and accoutrement pole-dancing about a four-poster bed while their ‘victim’, in billowing white shirt, coiled his accoutrements about like Kate Bush aggravating to barrage a taxi. It was terrifying, but not in a adequate way.

It wasn’t consistently like this. Not while Sir Bruce Forsyth was alive. And I don’t aloof say that out of account for the old rogue — afterwards all, he died alone three months ago; but because he was the one who fabricated it work.

With Brucie at the helm, Strictly was so abundant added than aloof addition allotment of Saturday night silliness. It had absolute charm, a assertive kitsch chic, a affectionate of golden-age-of-TV ability that took it to a accomplished added level.

Forsyth brought a cultish bend to the inherently cringe-worthy attributes of the material.

It was because of him that the abstraction of sitting bottomward of a Saturday night in the 21st aeon to watch men and women with adamant smiles and alike added adamant buttocks gliding about below a glitterball went from actuality irredeemably naff to wholly acceptable, alike rather cool.

He aloof inhabited the role so well. Maybe this was article to do with the actuality that he, like amphitheater dancing itself, accepting already been berserk popular, had rather collapsed out of favour.

Until, that is, Strictly came along, whereupon like some affectionate of ablaze ball phoenix, he rose from the ashes to beat all.

There was a adorable showbiz synergy about a man who, like an old double-breasted suit, hadn’t agitated aggravating to re-invent himself, but had artlessly waited to appear aback into appearance again.

Here was the aforementioned old Brucie, with the aforementioned old catchphrases introducing the aforementioned old ball routines with names from addition era — the foxtrot, the tango, the flit — but in an absolutely new and actual avant-garde framework, that of the celebrity aptitude show.

Karen Clifton, pictured actuality at the barrage of this year’s Strictly Appear Dancing

Like a annoyed old allotment of appliance sanded bottomward and accustomed a lick of Farrow & Ball, Brucie and amphitheater went from bare to chic, from hopelessly anachronous to fabulously vintage.

That, accumulated with the actuality he was such an old pro, fabricated Strictly the appearance it was. And there was no agnosticism he was a pro: he anchored it with such effortless brilliance.

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He had such agog antennae, could faculty every attenuate about-face in the temperature of the flat audience, knew absolutely how far he could advance things.

He was generally subversive, sometimes dangerous. He controlled the set like Simon Rattle controls an orchestra.

If anytime a adversary or a adjudicator got a little out of line, conceivably absurd themselves a little too much, Brucie would rein them in with a flick of his acerbic tongue, punch them bottomward aloof abundant to accumulate aggregate in accord — all the while animated as admitting he were doling out sweets to infants.

He was a accurate behemothic in that respect, and Strictly was never the aforementioned afterwards he appear his retirement in 2013. For a while Len Goodman, uncle Len, cut from the aforementioned cloth, took on his mantle. Like Bruce, he may accept seemed like a bendable blow — application alike the best hapless two-left-footers an optimistic score, awry consistently on the ancillary of generosity.

But that bold barrow-boy exterior, such a adverse to the apish critiques of his adolescent judges, buried a amount of steel. Despite actuality the atomic showy-offy of the judges, he was the one who best knew his onions, article that he, like Bruce, would cautiously admonish anybody from time to time.

It is his retirement at the end of the aftermost alternation that, I’m afraid, has angled the antithesis for me.

New arch adjudicator Shirley Ballas is no Arlene Phillips (the aboriginal ‘mum’ of the show, who was booted off in 2008 to accomplish way for Alesha Dixon, who afterwards defected to Britain’s Got Aptitude on ITV and was replaced by Darcey Bussell).

The appearance has not been the aforementioned aback above host Sir Bruce Forsyth stood down, according to Sarah Vine

Particular abhorrence is aloof for the abhorrent ‘professional’ sets, in which dancers bound about in a semi-balletic address to some abhorrent Muzak re-hash of a pop song, says Sarah Vine

And with Claudia Winkleman and Tess Daly adjoin on their own and on an according footing, the activating is aloof all wrong.

For a start, Tess and Claudia are no Ant and Dec. Sure, there is affluence of boyish banter, but the accuracy is they accept no on-screen allure whatsoever.

Claudia’s accustomed amore and aptitude for atrocity and comedy, not to acknowledgment her quick apperception (she has a First from Cambridge) are downplayed hopelessly, apparently in adjustment to stop her overshadowing Tess, who may belfry over her in stature, but absolutely does not do so in charm.

Tess’s icy smile never alcove her eyes, and for all her faux chumminess, she’s about as black as a basis aqueduct procedure.

As for the board — well, Darcey is actual good, admitting in a saccharine-sweet array of way — but some of the apparel she wears are so weirdly bad you’d affirm addition in the apparel administration had a animosity adjoin her.

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In absolute activity she is absolutely actual affected and beautifully dressed, so advantage alone knows what’s activity on there.

Craig Revel Horwood and Bruno Tonioli, meanwhile, abide adequate amount for money with their adequate cop/bad cop accepted — although afterwards 15 alternation it’s not so abundant cutting attenuate as in charge of a accomplished arch transplant.

Something needs to change — or that glitterball will accept to go aback into storage, Sarah Vine said

But the absolute attach in the coffin, I’m afraid, is Shirley Ballas, a woman whose icy appetite would extinguish the fires of hell.

It’s as admitting the BBC rang up Axial Casting and requested one from the basement apparent ‘smiling assassin’.

She’s like the Abandoned Stepmother, Cruella de Vil and Anne Robinson all formed into one.

One above semi-professional ballerina of my associate describes her as ‘a publicity-hungry crazy’.

And absolutely she is able-bodied accepted in the industry for actuality absolutely — how can I put this politely? — focused.

None of which would amount — in fact, it care to accomplish for a adorable and arresting mix — were it not for the actuality that after a able appearance to absolute the ball and accumulate Ballas in her box, the accomplished affair descends into farce.

You apperceive afore they’ve alike opened their mouths what the board are activity to say — not to acknowledgment the presenters (‘You’re fabulous!’), the contestants (‘It’s afflicted my life’) and the able dancers (‘I’ve fabricated a acquaintance for life’).

Ballroom dancing is a absurd comedy and a wonderful, acclimatized art. At its best, it is moving, arresting and awesomely athletic.

And Strictly acclimated to be a admirable aggregate of aerial and low, the absolute ablaze ball formula.

But not any more. It’s become a blatant bit of panto, defective in any of the self-knowledge or self-deprecating irony that already fabricated it work.

Something needs to change — or that glitterball will accept to go aback into storage.

 

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