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Time for your Tuesday copy of the Deadspin Funbag. Acquisition added of Drew’s actuality at KSK or on Twitter. Today, we’re accoutrement consecutive killing, kids, spiders, Eric, shrooms, baseball, carjacking, and more.

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If you were a consecutive killer, what would be your crazy burden for your victims? The best acknowledgment I’ve heard so far: My acquaintance says that he would buy a Assumption Who lath game, acquisition bodies who attending like the cards, and annihilate them, abrogation their agenda on their body. Pretty anon the cops would be captivation amusing columnist conferences, captivation up a bold allotment and advancement all women who attending like Donna to breach home. Me, I would aces a accidental abecedarian (let’s say John Cusack) and annihilate an added from every cine he’d been in, in archival adjustment of absolution date, aloof to see how continued it took for the badge to put 2 and 2 together.

There was an old Kevin Kline cine alleged The January Man that I saw already and you never charge to see. In the movie, Kline was hunting bottomward a consecutive analgesic and aggravating to bulk out the killer’s arrangement for allotment victims. All the victims lived abreast one another, and Kline assuredly sorted out that, if you placed anniversary of the victims’ accommodation windows on a agreeable staff, they composed the melody to the song “Calendar Girl”. I bethink seeing that and cerebration to myself, “Damn, that’s clever! I’d about let him go aloof to accolade creativity!” Afterwards that, I begin myself affronted with the catechism Dan aloof asked.

Like any bowl served on “Chopped,” I anticipate consecutive killings should be advised on Taste, Creativity, and Presentation. If you go by those guidelines, it’s adamantine to top what Kevin Spacey did in Seven. I anticipate we all backbiting a killing bacchanalia undertaken with that affectionate of planning and precision. I apperceive I ambition I’d anticipation of it. I’d about absolutely never appear up with article that creative. I’d apparently aloof booty a $.25 on the victim’s face. Afresh they could alarm me the Brown River Killer. I TAUNT YOU WITH MY STINKY DNA.

If I were a consecutive killer, I’d be abiding to baddest a new affectionate of victim. Killing boyish girls is such a cliché. You never apprehend about a consecutive analgesic targeting aged Chinese people. Well, I would. I’d delay alfresco the Asian supermarket, delay for some absolutely old Chinese dude to appear out with his bag of bok choy, chase him home, and afresh hit him on the arch with a hammer. Afresh I’d leave a affluence cookie on his body. And central the cookie would be a vaguely worded, apocalyptic clue that articulate kinda Biblical (“Death is a barge in an amaranthine sea, and a blood-soaked wind shall consistently actuate us.”), afresh on the aback would be the accepted advantageous Lotto numbers. Abandoned the numbers would be a CLUE to award me. It would be the aggregate to my gym lock, or something. BUT YOU’LL NEVER FIGURE THAT OUT, PIGS! MWAHAHAHAHAHA.

By the way, you rarely see consecutive killers with a appropriate faculty of humor. They never acrylic Mooninites on their victim’s boobs, or leave an busy anthology that badge anticipate is a clue, abandoned it ends up arch them to a cartoon of a dick on the ancillary of a building. I’d like to see a consecutive analgesic with a bit of the 4Chan spirit in him. It can’t be far off, I acquaint you.


Who has added burden on them: an NHL goalie about to arch into a bold 7, or a woman who is absurdly in adulation with her husband, who has additionally already birthed 2-5 daughters, and knows that her bedmate is atrocious for a son to haversack on his sports legacy?

Emmett brings up a long-held average I’d like to booty a moment to correct. I acquire kids, and I apperceive affluence of bodies who acquire kids. In about all those relationships, it’s been bright to me that the wife capital a babe way added than the bedmate capital a son. But no, men are the ones who are consistently depicted as badly defective a son. GRRR GIVE ME AN HEIR. I SHALL FEED ANY DAUGHTER YOU BEAR TO THE WILD HOGS IN BACK!

It’s bullshit. Women go batshit to acquire girls. They like arcade for babe babyish clothes way added than arcade for boy babyish clothes (go to any Old Navy and you’ll see the little babe breadth dwarfs the little boy breadth in size). They like accomplishing the girl’s hair. They like seeing their little babe do article bold and afresh remarking, “OMIGOD! She is SO me!” They eat that $.25 up. If you see any ancestors with three boys or more, it’s because the wife approved to accumulate accepting babies until she hit paydirt with a babe and failed. And now she’s ashore with three little adulterated sons who will ascend all over aggregate and dribble berserk and breach aggregate in the fucking abode afar and about-face into porn addicts by age 14. Afresh she’ll see a little two-year-old babe run by at a amphitheater and appetite to carve her own throat.


So my sister is three years earlier than me, and accepting affiliated to a guy called Eric. My name is Eric. This sucks. This guy is apparently action to accomplish added money than me over the advance of my lifetime (he’s a atone architect with a job in cali) he’s taller than me, he went to a bigger academy than me, he’s funnier than me, and he’s fucking my sister.

I like him, but already I am broken because the ancestors doesn’t apperceive what to alarm him. Can there be two Erics in the family? I anticipate not. I acquire appropriate that we alarm him “Eric Jr.” but that bound backfired because afresh my ancestors appropriate he be “Eric Sr.” and I be “Eric Jr.”. I don’t appetite to be a fucking junior. Should I aloof try to breach up the marriage?

No, no. Don’t breach up the marriage. Surely, there’s a band-aid actuality that could assignment for both of you. What if he were to change his name to Erik, with a K? Afresh you could alarm him Special K. Normally, I abstracted bodies with the aforementioned name based on size. For example, if you acquire two accompany called John and one is fat, one will about consistently go by Fat John or Big John (Studd?), if he altar to Fat John. In your case, you would be Little Eric or Small Eric to his Big Eric. I doubtable that wouldn’t sit too able-bodied with you.

I advance you accredit to him by his aftermost name only, or as “Eric F”, or whatever his aftermost antecedent is. Or you could force the alarming “E” appellation on him in a preemptive move, afore accession tries to administer it to you. Or you could annihilation him. And afresh booty a $.25 on his face. THE BROWN RIVER KILLER STRIKES AGAIN.

I already had a drove on a babe who had the aforementioned name as accession I was accompanying to, and it fucked me up. I told myself I admired her for her, but afresh my academician would be like, “Hey, you don’t like her because she reminds you of X, do you?” And I’d be like FUCK YOU, BRAIN. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’D ASK A QUESTION LIKE THAT. I AM NOT A SICK FUCK. SHE IS PRETTY AND LOVELY AND YOU ARE TWISTING THIS INTO SOMETHING UGLY AND HORRIBLE. Not a fan of my own brain.

Anyway Eric, I anticipate your sister is in adulation with you.


Do you anytime acquisition yourself acceding charity to spiders and added insects aback by yourself so that aback added bodies apprehension them and aberration out you can blitz over and save the day by killing said insect?

I admission charity to spiders a lot because they annihilate added insects. Cats will additionally annihilate and eat insects, but owning a cat makes you a fucking absurd who spends all day knitting. So the spider will acquire to do. I’m additionally far added acceptable to admission charity to an insect with added bodies PRESENT because I like to appearance others that I acquire the accommodation for mercy. “Well, let’s aloof leave Mr. Spider alone. He’s not aggravation anyone.” But if I were alone? That spider would be fucking DEAD. I’d barge on it, and afresh I’d $.25 on its face.

I additionally rarely annihilate insects aback outside. That’s their turf. Absolutely changes the equation. If the bug is in the house, that agency the little fucker foolishly bankrupt in and capital to alarm me and my family. HE FUCKING DIES. But if I’m aloof walking alfresco and see that aforementioned bug? Hey, that backcountry is his house, man. I’m not actionable the Geneva Convention and axis actor by advancing his domicile. That would be unethical.

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I’m additionally beneath abashed of insects aback outside. I see a cavern candid in my basement, I fucking aberration out like a little babe and do that affair breadth you try and annihilate the bug while accompanying attempting to breach as far abroad from it as humanly possible. It’s absurd to do this afterwards attractive like a complete pussy. The actuality that I AM a complete bobcat doesn’t advice matters. But if I see that aforementioned candid jumping in the grass, I’m boilerplate abreast as cool out. No abstraction why. I may acquire issues.

Young Rockwell:

License bowl holder says “just…” aloft the bowl and “keepin it real.” below.

On a Subaru?


All right, I aloof absurd accessible a Dr. Pepper. Aboriginal affair I do: attending beneath the cap. Aback in the day? Every so generally god would smile on you and it would say ‘free 20 oz’…..now? X40P V573 W657…..wtf is that….Looking beneath canteen caps WAS my childhood….i would actually haversack through debris to attending for dumbass bodies who threw abroad champ caps….HAHA SUCKA, i got a chargeless pop.

The codes are fucking annoying. Oh, you appetite me to go ONLINE to see if I won $10,000? You go to Hell. That’s one added footfall of accomplishment I acquire no absorption in. I appetite my calmly becoming award-winning NOW. If I acquire to go online, that agency I acquire to do assignment to get it, and that defeats the purpose of acceptable chargeless shit.

When I was a kid, Coke had a promo every summer with Six Flags or some bounded action esplanade breadth they’d accord out chargeless passes and shit. To acquisition out if you won, you’d acquire to attending for a cipher chat on the basal of the INSIDE of the Coke can. So if it said ROLLERCOASTER, that meant you won a chargeless admission to Six Flags. If it said COKE, it meant you won a chargeless Coke. If it had a dollar amount, you won that amount. If it said SORRY or something, you lost.

This was great, but there was one botheration with the accomplished enterprise. Aggravating to apprehend ANYTHING on the basal of an aluminum can is a absolute bitch. You authority your eye up to the aperture of the can and surprise! Your big fat arch has now blocked out the ablaze appropriate to apprehend the chat on the basal of the can. I spent 54% of my adolescence staring into abandoned Coke cans aggravating to see the word, cerebration I had apparent the chat ROLLERCOASTER aback I absolutely hadn’t. Fucking Coke.


What was worse aback arena sports video abecedarian growing up: accepting the absolute players in the bold afterwards the official aggregation names (such as a red white and dejected NEW YORK vs a dejected and orange LONG ISLAND aback arena Rangers-Islanders in NHL 93) OR accepting the official aggregation names, logos, etc. But not accepting the players (you can comedy Cowboys vs 49ers but QB#8 is casting TD’s to WR#88)?

This was aback aback the unions would alone authorization out abecedarian names to video bold makers and the Alliance wouldn’t consistently do additionally with aggregation names and logos (Madden was this way in ’95 or so). Either way, it SUCKS. It sucks to not acquire abecedarian names. And it appropriately sucks to not acquire official aggregation names or logos. And it absolutely sucks aback the bold manufacturers wouldn’t alike bother (or for acknowledged reasons) to not use at atomic the aforementioned blush arrangement for every team. Who the fuck wants to comedy with San Francisco if they acquire dejected uniforms? That’s retarded.

It’s why the NCAA abecedarian will never absolutely be as accepted as the pro games. I acclimated to comedy Bill Walsh ’94 all the time, and Tyrone Wheatley was fucking INSANE for Michigan. Of course, he didn’t go by Wheatley because that would acquire besmirched his abecedarian cachet and fabricated him admixed or something. It’s stupid. Aloof put the kids’ names in the academy abecedarian and accord them an added $15 for aliment aback they comedy a alley game. They’re academy kids. They’re stupid. They’ll be so active to see their name in a video game, they’ll appropriately acquire actuality paid in Ring Dings.



So, I acquire my aboriginal adolescent and it’s great. Aback he was a bairn I admired him but consistently told myself, “Oh it’ll get bigger aback he can crawl.” Afresh he started ample and action places I didn’t appetite him to. Afresh I figured, “It’ll get bigger aback he can walk, I can aloof booty him to airing outside.”

Problem is he decides to airing wherever the hell he pleases and afresh would bandy fits aback I didn’t let him. So afresh it became, “Oh it’ll get bigger aback I can acquaint with him.” Now all that agency is him saying, “Mine,” and “No”. So my catechism to you is…. Does it anytime get easier? Because the wife and I are planning on aggravating for accession one.

No. It never gets easier. In fact, aback you acquire added than one, it gets exponentially harder because now you acquire to accumulate the adolescent one from walking off a arch while the earlier one is accompanying aggravating to exhausted the $.25 out of him with a rake. There’s this accomplished affinity activating you acquire to administer in accession to managing anniversary child, and that makes it fucking HARD.

I don’t apperceive how best kids alive accomplished the age of 10. I absolutely don’t. I accede myself a appropriate parent, and Lord knows how abounding times I’ve about let one of my kids abatement to their death, or capital alone to bandy them out the fucking window. (On additional thought, conceivably I’m not such a appropriate ancestor afterwards all.) And this is the 21st century, the era of abhorrent overparenting. How the fuck did I alive accomplished 12? How did my parents not end up murdering me? And shitting on my face? I absolutely adapted it.

Anyway, kids advance from actuality physically backbreaking to mentally exhausting. I acquire a one-year-old. He is physically fucking debilitating. Like Erick’s kid, he wants to airing off a bluff and afresh gets PISSED because I aces him up to anticipate him from accomplishing so. Afresh you acquire feedings and changings (the adolescent never sits still) and this connected acrimonious up of the adolescent over and over afresh until your aback is fucking ruined. That’s tiring.

Then I acquire a four-year-old, who can do best aggregate on her own. But mentally, ambidextrous with that kid is about MORE demanding than the adolescent one because you’re consistently aggravating to get the kid to NOT be an asshole. And the kid never listens because the kid is four. So I’ve gotten rid of the childhood alteration and all that abandoned to be confronted with this accomplished new set of problems that I can’t possibly solve. And that’s afore the boyhood years, aback the kid will about-face into a bad-tempered adulterated who’s consistently allurement for money I don’t have. Again, I don’t apperceive how kids alive accomplished age 5 or so. Aback my kids are 30, I will consistently admonish them how advantageous they are I didn’t annihilate them. And afresh $.25 on their face.

But no one becomes a ancestor because it’s fun, unless you’re a naïve idiot. You become a ancestor because best bodies acquire an accustomed drive to carbon (like animals do), and because parenting is advantageous in the continued term. I apprehend a book by Frank Bruni, in which he capacity accepting to go on some shitty Outward Bound trip. Bruni wants to abdicate the cruise and go home, because he’s out in the dupe and it fucking blows. Afresh his aggregation baton says to him, “There are things you adore doing, and things you adore accepting done. The closing is better.” And it’s true. That’s what accepting kids is. It’s account doing, but not awfully fun to do.

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But it beats accomplishing Outward Bound. Sleep in a wet tent? FUCK THAT.


I apperceive if I’m anytime confronted by a carjacker I’ll aloof clay myself, but I came up with a plan to either get abandoned during the attack or to get attempt as anon as possible.

Anyway, it got me thinking…what’s my plan. Actuality it is in all of its backward glory. Footfall 1: Accomplish abiding aperture is locked. Footfall 2: Recline bench as bound as possible. Footfall 3: Clean the windshield…hopefully the car jacker will absorb some of the windshield charwoman solution. Footfall 4: About-face the radio aggregate up as loud as possible. Footfall 5 (and best crucially) Shake berserk like you are accepting a seizure. I anticipate I can cull these 5 accomplish off in 5 abnormal afore alarming the carjacker or accepting shot. I anticipate accepting a carjacking plan is this decade’s blaze drill…what’s your plan?

You’d never bethink that plan in the average of a carjacking. You’d aloof $.25 your pants.

I had a acquaintance already who was captivated up in his car in New Haven, Connecticut. He was walking to his car aback a man who said he was a abbey approached and told him he bare a ride to a Church. My acquaintance believed him and LET HIM IN THE FUCKING CAR. This was New Haven, apperception you. New Haven makes Baltimore attending desirable. But my acquaintance was 17 and a moron, so he abandoned the admonishing signals and let him in.

So anyway, the guy gets in my friend’s car and anon pulls a gun on him. And my friend, admitting absurdly acceptance the man into his car, redeems himself by calmly adage to the man, “I’m action to leave the keys in the car. I’m action to put my wallet on the seat. Afresh I’m action to get out of the car. You can booty the wallet and the car. Aloof amuse don’t aching me.”

Then the man with the gun cool out and inexplicably ran out of the car afterwards demography the wallet or burglary the car. I never would acquire handled the bearings as calmly as my acquaintance did. I would acquire cool out and been like OH JESUS FUCK YOU HAVE A GUN! FUCKING GUN! GUN GUN GUN! Afresh he would acquire afraid and attempt and dead me.

And afresh $.25 on my face.


I concluded up affairs Mastodon’s Crack The Skye anthology awning shirt afterwards one of the shows and concluded up cutting it this accomplished Saturday.

I absitively it was a abundant accommodation to eat mushrooms at the bar that night (it was). Afterwards they started to bang in, I was in the bath pissing. Typical situation, aloof watching the beck hit the aback of the urinal. Afterwards a while I biconcave my arch bottomward a bit further and my eyes hit the anthology awning architecture on the shirt. The dejected about the wizards was abounding in the breeze, their mouths were aglow added and that amphitheater was spinning.

I don’t anticipate anyone abroad was in there aback I was in there but I’m abiding I looked like a bedlamite aggravating to piss and attending at my chest at the aforementioned time. That and I was apparently talking to myself.

Well shit. Now we all acquire to go eat mushrooms and beam at this anthology cover.

/eats mushrooms



One time, I smoked a lot of pot and bankrupt my eyes and saw a amethyst swan pond beyond my eyelids. That was about as abutting to a aberration as I’ve anytime gotten. I’ve never taken acid. I’ve never eaten mushrooms. I had a acquaintance go out to Utah and alcohol augment tea out in the wilderness. He said it was awesome. ONE DAY, PEOPLE. ONE DAY I WILL GET HIGH IN THE WILDERNESS AND THEN PASS OUT WITH A HALF-EATEN BAG OF MUNCHOS ON MY CHEST.


I was aloof on vacation with ancestors and active aback to the airport application a Garmin. Anyways, I see the signs to get on I-95 advanced but Garmin tells me to booty a appropriate beforehand; which I do because I assurance Garmin over some brainless signmaker. Now we’re on a two-lane country alley in the dupe and Garmin tells me to booty a larboard assimilate a dark, deserted, one-lane clay alley breadth I can’t see accomplished ten feet. The name of this road: Candyman Lane. Needless to say, I got the fuck out of there. Was Garmin aggravating to annihilate me?

Yes, AND $.25 on your face.


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How do you anticipate you would book if you had to angle adjoin the affliction hitting aggregation in the MLB this year (I assumption its Seattle, but I’m too apathetic to check) for one inning, with the best arresting aggregation abaft you arena their asses off? All you had to do was get three outs and of advance they would tune you up, but you acquire to accept that some of the baking band drives would miraculously acquisition fielders, am I right?

I anticipate if I could absolute the walks, angle to contact, I would accord up about in the 7 to 8 run area. I acquire a abandoned 70 mph fastball and if I could abstain demography a band drive off my alembic I anticipate I could accomplish it happen.

You are INSANE. Utterly fucking insane. The affliction hitting aggregation in the above leagues would abort you. They would get runs off of you in perpetuity. Accumulate in apperception that alike the affliction hitter in Above Alliance Baseball is still a bigger hitter than 349,999,000 added bodies in America. He got to the above leagues by blame the $.25 out of aerial academy and/or academy and/or accessory alliance pitching. Do you absolutely anticipate they’d get beneath than 500 runs off you in bisected an inning?

Not abandoned would they beat you, but they would absolutely hit band drives appropriate off your face. You’d bung up an eephus angle and it would rocket aback at you at 150mph and attach you in the fucking EYE. That’s right. Not abandoned would they get absolute runs off you, they’d additionally assuredly batter and dark you.

If I were casting to above alliance hitters, I would bandy my angle and afresh IMMEDIATELY abatement into a nuclear fallout position to abstain accepting hit in the arch with a band drive. Every pitch. I’d be terrified.


Good God. Conceivably he’s a “Scrubs” fan. Although that ability abandoned accomplish it worse.

Finally, a brace belief for you today.


In seventh brand P.E. class, our action for the day was abounding cloister basketball. Actuality fat, active up and bottomward abounding cloister was torture. Aloof cutting chargeless throws usually got me out of breath. But anyway, my aggregation was currently on defense. Well, the blow of my aggregation was. I was about the bisected cloister band and sucking air.

One of my buddies aloof happened to abduct the ball, and looked up and saw me. He decides to boost the brawl to me so I can booty it bottomward and aloof jam the $.25 out of it. Able-bodied at atomic that’s what I had in my mind. He apparently threw it to me so they could watch me absence a wide-open layup. So I get the brawl and I aloof booty off. I’m sprinting wide-eyed, accessible to get my aggregation accession accessible two.

Right aback I was about to jump, my anxiety went beeline out from beneath me and I banged my arch on the floor. In a daze, I started attractive about to see what I slipped on. I aerial my leg up and ashore to the basal of my shoe was a motherfuckin’ honey bun. My aboriginal anticipation was not, “What asshole threw a honey bun at me?” My aboriginal anticipation was, “What allotment of $.25 ashen a altogether adorable pastry?” All this to say, am I the abandoned one who gets acutely affronted aback acceptable aliment is wasted?

You abiding aren’t. Finally, a GREAT MOMENT IN OFFICE GAY PORN SURFING.


I was a chump account administrator for a little while, and I approved to be as appropriate a bang-up as I could. Meaning, get your assignment done and I could accord a applesauce if you absorb the blow of your day sleeping in your cube, and if you charge to booty a continued cafeteria to go to the doctor or an account for accession job, aloof be quiet about it and don’t let the VP bolt you.

So, one day I’m press a address over at the common printer, and I accidentally aces up accession else’s stuff, too. This happens all the time, of course, but this was a little different. 10 pages of aerial affection blush printed gay bacchanal porn.

And I’m not talking about a threesome, I beggarly there are like 20 bodies in this thing. So it occurs to me, I acquire two problems. One is, of course, I’ve got an agent surfing (not a big deal) and press (a actual big deal) this stuff. The additional botheration is, I’m now in control of it, how the hell am I action to get rid of it? Can’t aloof bung it in the recycle bin, what if accession sees me and it doesn’t get covered up? Can’t bung it in the debris can in my cube, for the aforementioned reason.

I assuredly absitively to haversack it (inside a folder, which was central an interoffice envelope) into a windowless appointment allowance appropriate afore lunchtime, breach it up as best I could (shredder was too public), afresh put the $.25 aback into the folder/envelope, bung it in my backpack, drive over to the bounded McD’s (where I was bistro anyway), and bung the behind actual in the dumpster hidden central that day’s newspaper. I ample demography it offsite was the abandoned way it couldn’t be traced aback to me, and the beard was all-important so cipher could say, “hey, you alone your folder…”

Back to the aboriginal problem. I didn’t affliction that this had happened, really, but I knew if anyone abroad begin it, there’d be a federal investigation, and I’d apparently get in agitation for not befitting my advisers in line. But I acquainted bad, because there was abandoned one gay guy on my team, and it acquainted like profiling to distinct him out, and if he got all complain-y about it, again, I’m the one in trouble. So the abutting time I absolved over by the printer, which was abutting to his desk, I got his attention, nodded over in the administration of the printer, and said actual agilely “No more.” He exhaled and looked like he was about to cry, because he wasn’t abiding who had begin his stuff, and he was adequate to apprehend it was me.

Oh, Christ. That’s aloof painful. At atomic no face-shitting was involved.

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